Guide to office wellness
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While your coworkers argue about the temperature settings, you
are the one who suffers. One person sets the thermostat to sixty,
and another bumps it up to eighty. Ten the cycle repeats. You
are left confused and cold. Or hot. Unfortunately, you live in a
world of climactic chaos, you don’t know what to do, and Thermal
Uncertainty Disorder is the result. Your only recourse is the
Band-Tailed Pigeon Fan Stance. Perhaps when your coworkers
see how desperate you are they’ll finally stop the madness.
There are many rules that we must follow without question,
but some seem designed to simply impose control for control’s
sake. Tis can be literally maddening. If you feel like a pawn in
the wacky world of corporate domination, then you may have
developed Severe Control Sensitivity. While you can do little to
impact arbitrary edicts from above, you can take charge of the
universe beneath you. Put your full weight behind this effort at
personal expression. Remember: in this office, you are the man.
- In: Wellness
- Tags: control, pushup, sensitivity
New office workers waste a lot of time trying to adjust to the
small space available in most cubicles. Americans have grown
up with a super-size mentality, and the super-small square
footage they are assigned for eight hours a day can cause Cubicle
Claustrophobia. To prevent this, many employers now use a
cube trainer. Any employee who spends a couple weeks in the
trainer will be delighted with their allotted workspace. Te
Evening Grosbeak Cube Position is the standard technique used
with this device.
- In: Wellness
- Tags: claustrophobia, cube, train
You thought you had the best printer ever, but then you saw
the four-color, eighty-page per minute beauty in the payroll
office, and now you’re not so sure. Te department secretary has
a totally awesome LaserJet, and even the dot matrix classic in
the label making area is starting to look good. These are sure
signs of Printer Envy. As with most electronic fixations, the best
cure is to transfer your attention to something else. Assume a
comfortable desk position and embrace your new friend. Oh
my—that’s a nice one.
- In: Wellness
- Tags: dot matrix, envy, printer
Music downloads are great for productivity, but waiting for
free tune providers to deliver the goods can be exhausting. To
prepare for your next grueling session, climb beneath your desk
and assume the Coast Mole Cave Posture. Gently rest your head
on your computer, and stretch your arm towards the nearest
wireless access point. Tis will refresh your download vitality
When ready, emerge from your shelter and let the transfer begin
Tis technique works best with Hip Hop or Rap, but never us
for seventies classics.
It is human nature to scorn music chosen by others. Perhaps
this is why musical appreciation seldom survives a cubicle wall.
Fortunately, the human brain can be trained to filter out unwanted
melodies, although it takes rigorous training. Start with the
Rusty Blackbird Indexed Ear Position. Beginners should insert
the finger no further than the first knuckle, but with practice
may eventually achieve second or even third knuckle proficiency.
For best results remember to bend the knees, maintain a forward
gaze, and concentrate.
- In: Wellness
- Tags: 2 computers, book, ears, music
Task Exuberance - River Crayfish Stride Position
19 May2009
Excitement over a work assignment is uplifting, but excessive thrill
of duty can be harmful. As with many such conditions, finding
equilibrium is the key. To lower dangerously high enthusiasm
levels, and to reduce work adrenalin, a brisk power walk around
your desk is the best remedy. A zesty romp near the window may
help moderate your spirits further, but be careful not to overdo
it. Most workers can tolerate no more than three complete laps.
Remember to maintain proper arm posture throughout.
- In: Wellness
- Tags: desktop, excitement, Wellness, window
The office with the coveted window usually becomes available
only with the retirement or death of a coworker, so being denied
this treasured piece of real estate can be a traumatic experience.
The only way to overcome this paralyzing distress is through
levitation, which requires both mental focus and physical control.
Concentrate your gaze, lift both arms, and rise, rise! Hover for
ten seconds, and then relax. As you slowly drift earthward release
your anguish. Repeat as needed.
- In: Wellness
- Tags: book, levitate, windowless
Sometimes your office duties are expanded, requiring you to
engage in customer service. In such cases it is important to
remain detached, as cubicle workers have a tendency to be overly
generous, especially with returns or discounts. To dampen your
natural empathy, try the Thompson Gazelle Extended Leg
Stance. Symbolically distance yourself with a raised leg, and
extend one arm as if to accept coworker support. If you practice
this diligently your symbiosis should gradually diminish, but
excessive use may cause cramping.
With a brain the size of a walnut, the Boreal Chickadee does
little of interest to anyone. Nevertheless, this aptly named bird
provides both inspiration and diversion. As you raise your right
arm, breathe deeply through your left nostril and suck in a
torrent of office air. The arm is symbolic of a fast growing tree,
perhaps bamboo. Maintain this position until you feel interest
returning, but stop at the first sign of dizziness. You may be able
to maintain this posture all day by carefully positioning office
equipment nearby
The Pileated Woodpecker is renowned for its pecking, much
like your neighbor’s relentless keyboard clicking. To drive this
incessant din from your mind requires studied practice, a steady
hand, and patience. When you can no longer bear the racket,
clear the edge of your desk and assume a reclining side position.
Allow your right hand to dangle just above the floor, and extend
your left hand limply towards the ceiling. One foot should
delicately touch the desktop. This is a purely defensive position
which offers temporary relief.
- In: Wellness
- Tags: book, desktop, keyboard, sensitivity
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